I Wanna Be Where My Feet Are
This week welcome Ministry Forum Intern, Rachel Kennedy-Proctor as a guest writer to brings some reflections around this season of transition as she completes her last year at Knox College. Rachel is an MDiv student at Knox College and currently serves in Youth Leader at Knox Oakville.
As I reflect on the past three years in seminary, I’m honestly a little stunned. I catch myself thinking, “What do you mean it’s the end? It feels like I just started!” and “Put me back at the beginning—I’m not ready!” But I’m guessing I’m not alone in this. Transitions are tough, and I feel like I’m standing on the edge of one. They mark the end of a chapter or a phase of working toward something. Graduation is right around the corner, and soon I’ll be searching for a call.
For the first time in a while, it feels like I’m stepping into the unknown (cue Disney’s Frozen song “Into the Unknown”).
Lovingly, whenever someone learns I’m graduating, the next question is almost always, “So, what’s next?” I know they ask out of curiosity, love, and encouragement, wanting to know what my next chapter will be. But honestly, I sometimes find myself wanting to just savor the final pages of this current book!
Why do we always rush to the next thing in life? Why can’t we just be present?
This has been something I’ve struggled with as I get closer to the end of my time at Knox College. I often find myself reflecting on the woman who walked into seminary three years ago: scared, nervous, excited, grateful, and overly ambitious to the point of burnout. She said yes to everything, regardless of the toll on her well-being. For the first time, she really questioned her faith in profound and unsettling ways—asking the big questions like, “How do we even define God?” “Did the whole Noah story really happen?” “Who decided which books belong in the canon?” “Does it really matter if Jesus was born of the Virgin Mary?” Or my personal favorite that sent me into a tailspin, “Do you have to call yourself a Christian to follow Jesus?” But I look at the woman I am now, and I am so grateful for that deconstruction. For this woman laughs a little louder, listens more actively, and isn’t weighed down by dichotomous theology.
I realize that I wasn’t falling apart—I was actually building a much stronger foundation. So when the storms come and the seas rage, I’ll be a little sturdier than I was before. For those of you that had a huge deconstruction, went to seminary or faced a huge change in life, what was that experience like for you?
I think we all do this when something comes to an end. We reminisce about the “good ol’ days” or rush to start the next thing. I’m good at both. I can never just be where my feet are.
Pst, inspired by Rachel’s recommendation we’ve put together a list of 7 new playlists you should check out if you’re looking for some new music. Find it here.
But I’m working on it. And if you’re anything like me, you know it’s a process—one that requires many reminders. What I’ve found incredibly helpful is grounding exercises like meditation, yoga, and one of my favorites: music. For a long time in seminary, I struggled to listen to contemporary worship music, as I was on a deconstruction and healing journey from past spiritual manipulation that I didn’t even know I had. But I’m so grateful to say that part of that hurt has been healed, and I can now listen to contemporary worship songs without feeling my skin crawl.
So, here are a few of my current favorites:
I recently discovered The Porter’s Gate, who are absolutely fantastic. They have a playlist called Sanctuary Songs that has been like a breath of fresh air. My favorite track on that album? You guessed it—“Centering Prayer (I Wanna Be Where My Feet Are).”
What else has helped? Listening to other people’s stories and engaging in relationship. When I find myself in the “in-between” space—the already and the not yet—I remind myself that it’s time to reach out to my support system.
But I’m curious: What helps you be where your feet are?